Ron's posts with tag: funny
 By Andrew Adam Newman of the New York Magazine:
New Yorkers are always trying to be cleverer-than-thou, even when it comes to naming their portable toilets. The city is awash in portalets from companies called "A Royal Flush" and "Call-A-Head." But we've got nothing on the rest of the country. We consulted The Blue Book of Building and Construction to find the top twenty unfortunately named portable-toilet companies from near and far:
20. Happy Can Portable Toilets, Atlanta
19. Drop Zone Portable Service Inc., Frankfort, Ill.
18. Blackmas Best Seat In The House Inc., Bradley, Ill.
17. Plop Jon Inc., Port Saint Lucie, Fla.
16. A.S.A.P. Port-A-Pots Inc., Hampstead, Md.
15. Ameri-Can Engineering, Argos, Ind.
14. Bobby's Pottys, Joppa, Md.
13. Johnny On The Spot Inc., Old Bridge, N.J.
12. LepreCAN Portable Restrooms, Chicago
11. Loader-Up, Inc., Sarasota, Fla.
10. Mister Bob's Portable Toilets, Vero Beach, Fla.
9. Royal Throne, Washington, D.C.
8. Tanks Alot, Tomball, Tex.
7. Tee Pee Inc, Roseville, Mich.
6. Wizards of Ooze Ltd., Anacortes, Wash.
5. Oui Oui Enterprises Ltd., Chicago
4. Gotta Go Potties, Tobyhanna, Pa.
3. UrinBiz.com, Chicago
2. Willy Make It?, Oregon City, Oreg.
1. Doodie Calls, New Orleans
 Lady walks into a furniture store.
Salesman asks, "May I help you?"
Lady says, "I'm looking for a sexual sofa."
Salesman says, "You mean a sectional sofa?"
Lady says, "Sectional, schmectional, I just want an occasional piece in the living room".
A rope walks into a bar.
Bartender asks, "Are you a rope?"
Rope says, "Yes."
Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve ropes here, get out!"
So the rope leaves, goes outside and sits down to think. Then he gets an idea. He unravels both of his ends, loops himself around and around like a pretzel and tucks his ends through the loops. Then he goes back into the bar.
Bartender raises an eyebrow and asks, "Hey, aren't you a rope?"
Rope says, "No, I'm afrayed knot."
Q) What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
A) Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Q) What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A) No ideer.
Q) What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A) Still no ideer.
Q) What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs and no balls?
A) Still no f*ing ideer.
Q) What do you call a dog with no legs?
A) Doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.
Blatently stolen from Independent Sources.
Attention: When registering a domain name for your business, it is advisable to look at the domain name selected as others see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following companies. Go ahead and click the links - they're all real.
1. A site called Who Represents, where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name is
www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, thereâÂÂs the Italian Power Generator companyâ¦
www.powergenitalia.com
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com
7. If youâÂÂre looking for computer software, thereâÂÂs always
www.ipanywhere.com
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com
9. Then, of course, thereâÂÂs these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
www.speedofart.com
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com
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My friend Larry's article entitled Bathroom Oragami was the subject of a previous blog.
Today, Larry emailed to say
Ron, the column you inspired hit the wires today.
http://www.hotel-online.com/News/PR2006_3rd/Jul06_Mundy18.html
Clicking the link shows a whole set of Larry's previous articles. I think he's a darn funny writer. Pretty cool, eh?
Quit looking for secret messages. There aren't any.
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 YARD WORK - AS VIEWED FROM HEAVEN
(overheard in a conversation between God and St. Francis): God: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature; what in the world is going on down there in the U.S.? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistles and the stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought, and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees, and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of color by now. All I see are patches of green.
St. Francis: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. They are called the Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
God: Grass? But it is so boring, it's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, bees or birds, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want grass growing there?
St. Francis: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it has grown a little, they cut it....sometimes two times a week.
God: They cut it? Do they bale it like hay?
St. Francis: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
God: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
St Francis: No sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
God: Now let me get this straight...they fertilize it to make it grow and when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
St. Francis: Yes, sir.
God: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
St. Francis: You aren't going to believe this Lord, but when the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
God: What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep the moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves become compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.
St. Francis: You'd better sit down, Lord. As soon as the leaves fall, the Suburbanites rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
God: No way! What do they do to protect the shrubs and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
St Francis: After throwing the leaves away, they go out and buy something called mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
God: And where do they get this mulch?
St. Francis: They cut down the trees and grind them up to make mulch.
God: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore.
 How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
 | Why Me? | Jan 23, '06 12:48 AM
for everyone |
I know a lot of the females in YahooLand get hit on by clueless guys a lot, but guys don't get hit on by clueless women very often. If anybody has any explanation for this, I'm interested in hearing it. Even though I've blanked out the name, it's a very American name, and the profile was completely blank except for "female", and it did show that it was created on January 12, 2006, less than two weeks ago. I checked for a simple URL version of a 360 page, and there wasn't one. I detest the "ASL" question - especially since that information is on my profile. I also dislike the overuse of acronyms in general. Is it really so much harder to type 'please" instead of "pls"? "You" instead of "U"? Notice also how long her replies took. I'd be willing to give somebody a break if they told me that they weren't a native English speaker, had a limited IQ, were blind and reading the screen through some speech processor, were typing with their toes due to a missing arm, or something. But I sure couldn't figure this one out. <her> (6:52:30 PM): hi
<her> (6:52:51 PM): asl
<ME> (6:52:55 PM): I don't know you, do I?
<her> (6:53:25 PM): ok
<her> (6:53:36 PM): <her>
<her> (6:53:39 PM): u?
<ME> (6:54:49 PM): You contacted me. You don't know my screen name? How'd you find it?
<her> (6:55:53 PM): well from yahoo 360
<ME> (6:56:33 PM): You don't have a 360 page.
<her> (6:57:27 PM): am new there
<her> (6:57:39 PM): i will do that later
<her> (6:57:42 PM): ok
<ME> (6:58:31 PM): So where did you run across my name?
<her> (7:00:22 PM): i told u 360
<ME> (7:01:08 PM): Big place. That's as specific as you can be, huh? A group - which one? Friend of a friend - who?
<her> (7:02:02 PM): i said it that am new to it
<her> (7:02:28 PM): i justsign up with them
<ME> (7:05:49 PM): What you should do is go to http://edit.profiles.yahoo.com/config/edit_identity and edit your profile. Fill in some information about yourself. Then go to http://360.yahoo.com/my_profile.html and do the same.
<her> (7:07:22 PM): ok
<her> (7:07:27 PM): i will
<her> (7:07:32 PM): asl
<her> (7:07:34 PM): pls
<ME> (7:07:45 PM): I've gotta get going. I'm still at work.
<her> (7:08:00 PM): ok
<her> (7:08:06 PM): ur name
<ME> (7:08:41 PM): Have a good evening.
<ME> (7:08:44 PM): Bye
<her> (7:09:23 PM): ok
<her> (7:09:31 PM): add me ok
<her> (7:09:36 PM): lol
<her> (7:10:10 PM): ok
<her> (7:10:34 PM): i will like to get to know u better
<her> (7:10:36 PM): okay
<ME> (7:10:52 PM): Then fill out your profile. It's easy.
<her> (7:12:30 PM): i will
<her> (7:12:34 PM): asl pls
<ME> (7:12:51 PM): Look, I'm at work. I can't talk now.
<ME> (7:13:00 PM): Please quit IMing me.
<her> (7:13:57 PM): when come back home you get that okay
<her> (7:14:10 PM): what is ur name
<ME> (7:14:30 PM): How old are you?
<ME> (7:14:37 PM): Is English your first language?
<her> (7:15:33 PM): 25
<her> (7:15:35 PM): u?
<ME> (7:17:05 PM): I'm trying to figure out why you can't understand "Please quit IMing me". You should be old enough to understand. Maybe you don't know English. You don't type or spell very well. What's the problem? I'm getting annoyed and about to put you on ignore.
<her> (7:18:14 PM): if u care
<her> (7:18:23 PM): what did u mean
<ME> (7:18:48 PM): What language do you speak? What country do you live in? Why don't you understand me?
<her> (7:19:05 PM): well
<her> (7:19:34 PM): i dont really understand u ok
<ME> (7:19:55 PM): Okay. I don't see a point in us talking if you don't know English. Goodbye.
<her> (7:20:29 PM): why are u saying all this
<her> (7:20:37 PM): where are u from
This is what I'm going to look like if I don't quit eating so much! :-)
| Faster! | Jul 12, '05 12:13 AM
for everyone |
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